US Visit Part 3: The Jersey leg

It was kinda sad bidding farewell to my family in Maryland.  It was good seeing family and some friends.  We'd have to catch the rest next time around.  We got the rental car and prepared to make that drive up.  Actually, Swedie was going to do the driving on this trip.  We had an agreement that since I drove up from GA, she would do the 3 hour drive to Jersey.  I set the satellite radio (Sweden needs this) to some stand-up comedy stations and we cranked the trip out.  Swedie is a good driver, so I was even able to sleep on the way up.

We were going to be staying with our good friends while we were in New Jersey.  They always look out for us and this was no different.  We had stayed with them before moving to Sweden, so in a sense this was kind of a homecoming.  It's good to go to a place where you are familiar with the shower.  That first shower somewhere can be a a nightmare.  Standing there naked and flinching with one eye closed; knowing that water will soon assault you.  It will either be freezing cold or steaming hot.  It's terrifying.  But I know this shower.  No drama here!  Unfortunately, my boy was going to be working a lot of hours.  That's how it was for most of my friends in Jersey.  Christmas season was here and everybody would be working insane hours.  We were able to get to one of my homies in south Jersey on the way up.  It's crazy how fast it seems children grow.  We saw my niece as well.  She's one and she just might be the most adorable one year old ever.  I say that as objectively as possible.

All this kids stuff made me anxious for that little guy in Swedie's stomach to join us.  Since my friends were pretty busy, I ended up hanging with Swedie as she met with her friends.  Fun.  At least they met at malls most of the time.  I would be able to do some final shopping.  One of Swedie's friends is an ultrasound technician.  We met with her for lunch at Cheesecake Factory (check!) and she said she could do a 3-D ultrasound for us.  What?!  I already think babies are ugly when they first come out.  Now you want me to see pre-birth ugliness?  Of my child?  Sure!

We were her last clients for the day.  She would be able to take her time and do the scanning.  At first it was just like the other ultrasounds.  Still amazing technology, but I had seen it before.  The little heart thumping is always the first thing I zone in on.  There is a little life there, man.  It's still crazy.  He's always positioned weirdly.  Just like his father, he finds himself in uncomfortable situations a lot.  She showed us his legs and arms.  We got to see him from different angles.  Even from below him.  That was cool.  It was like looking up from inside of the toilet.  And through it all, you see that little heart pumping away.  Then she went futuristic on us and flipped to 3-D.  Woah!  I wasn't ready for all that!  Not right then.  You could see features!  This kid had a little puffy little nose.  He had lips and eyes and stuff.  But you could tell he still needed some time in there.  Still an alien right now.  He was holding onto his umbilical cord.  That's what I'm talking about, man.  Squeeze all them nutrients out!  He's a go-getter!

Then the strangest thing happened.  That little boy of mine started smiling.  Okay, he appeared to smile.  He probably didn't know that he was smiling, but the muscles in his face made a smile so dammit he smiled.  But what if he was smiling?  What was so funny?  The womb just might be an interesting and funny place.  It just warmed my heart up to see this kid with a smile on his face.  Maybe he'll have a sense of humor like his father.  Maybe he'll have a not-as-awesome sense of humor like his mother.  I mean that would be okay too, but seriously though.  She probably didn't smile in the womb.  Knowing her she was probably terrified.  He's like daddy.  I'm sure of it.  If anybody smiled in the womb, I did.

Our friend (yeah she's my friend now too) gave us 2D/3D pictures and a DVD of the session.  It's like 40 minutes long.  I promise we're not weirdos.  We haven't watched it.  I do think that it would be trippy for him to see it one day though.  I'm even considering using it as a disciplinary measure.

      - Did you just talk back to your mother?
      - Yes.
      - Do you know what she's done for you?  That's it.  Go get the ultrasound DVD!
      - Awww Dad?!
      - See you in 40 minutes.

When some of my friends found out I was going home, they asked me to get some things for them.  Of course I would oblige.  I had been busy getting things for myself and the people on my Christmas list, so I still had some things to pick up.  With my Jersey friends being occupied, I had some time to get stuff for my peoples.  One of my friends had an easy request.  He wanted some organic rolling papers.  We were at breakfast at a diner (another thing that should come to Sweden... Diners) and I saw a smoke shop across the street.  Perfect!  I wanted to be sure that I got the right ones, so I asked my friend to send me a picture of the brand he wanted.  Technology is so amazing.  He sent me a picture of him holding the packet of rolling papers.  I could see that he took the picture while sitting on the toilet.  He's silly.  I just shook my head.  I now knew what brand he needed.

Later in that evening I stopped by to get the rolling papers.  I asked the lady at the desk for the brand.  I saw behind the counter that there were at least five different types of papers by this company.  In order to get the order right, I went to my trusty phone.  I had seen the preview of the picture, so I prepared the lady.

      - My friend is silly.  He took this picture on the toilet, but here's the papers.

I open the picture completely this time.  Not just the preview.  I go to zoom in for the lady and what do I see in the lower left corner of the picture?  The rolling papers were photo bombed by my friend's penis head!  Now I'm standing here looking like a freaking pervert in a smoke shop.  I was so embarrassed.  I wanted to throw that phone across the room and run out of there.  But I just stood there  stuttering and shaking my head.  I pulled the phone back away from the lady.  She went to retrieve the papers.  I looked at Swedie.

      - Why is his penis in this picture?
      - Nuh uh.

I must have been in shock, because right then I showed Swedie the picture.  I showed her my friend's penile photo bomb.  I know it was wrong but I just couldn't go through this torture alone.  Here honey, take a look at this piece of penis head.  She just shook her head.  Only my friends.  I apologized to the lady in the store.  I told her that I didn't intend to show her a penis.  She laughed about it and said that it made her otherwise bad day better.  Whew!  I'm pretty sure I technically broke some pervert law or something.  I hurriedly bought those rolling papers and got the hell out of there.  I needed to get back home.  And home is now Sweden.  Until next time...


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