Second Group Midwife Visit

The morning went smoother this time.  Swedie wasn't so stressed.  We were out of the house in time (like last time) and I didn't forget my gloves.  We got to the office and sat down with time to spare.  A different midwife came out to greet us this time.  She was more mild-mannered.  A tall and thin woman who looked to be in her early-to-mid forties.  She led the group into the horrible shoe removal room.  I was ready today.  I had made sure I had on some good socks.

The group was different this time.  I only recognized one couple from last time and another woman who's husband didn't join her this time.  How dare he?!  There were three other couples and one other woman who was alone.  We went in and shed our jackets and took comfortable seats in a circle.  The midwife had us all introduce ourselves.  I kept it simple this time.

      - Jag heter Jonathan

Swedie went before me so she gave our due date and all that jazz.  This was going smooth.  Today we were going to talk about that moment that Swedie and I are both looking forward to and dreading equally.  That moment when that baby in Swedie's stomach is ready to come out.  The midwife started out by demonstrating how the baby passes through the female body.  She used a doll and a replica of a pelvis. I couldn't concentrate because she chose the ugliest doll I have ever seen...

If my son looks anything like this, we're leaving his ass at the hospital.  I am not kidding.  I already have nipple issues.  Look at that chest!  I digress.  Once I got over the ugliness of the doll, the demonstration was over.  I'm hoping Swedie paid attention.  The midwife then talked about how the body will feel when that time comes.  Apparently it's not like the movies.  Imagine that!  I thought the water breaks, Swedie hates me for ten minutes, I pass out, then the doctor holds up my son as they wake a tearful me up to cut the cord.  Then I cut the cord and marvel at the strength of this woman.  Then the doctor hands a huge, large, dry baby to my now happy wife and I take pictures.

Not according to the midwife.  Apparently there is a period of waiting around at the house in preparation for the birth.  She handed out pictures of massages that we should try during those hours of preparation.  So you mean to tell me that I have to deal with her on my own?  Then I go to the hospital and you guys are the heroes?  She also said that there is a chance that we will get turned away from the hospital in case it's not quite time yet.  What?!  Don't they know that gas is 8 dollars a gallon here?  Who's gonna pay for those trips (and tolls)?  This isn't practical.  I'm not ready for all of this!  Is it too late to change my mind?

Then was practice time.  We practiced most of the pre-birth massages on the papers.  Of course it was illustrations of the massages.  Notice how miserable the man looks.  The midwife was very hands-on.  She felt up each of the women at some point in the class. 

We practiced 1, 2 and 3. 

We practiced 5 and 8.  The midwife demonstrated 6 on a lucky lady.

Of course Swedie was taking everything seriously.  I was trying to as well, but between the midwife rubbing up everybody and the ugliest doll ever, it was difficult.  Add to that the onslaught of terrible, new information coming my way about this birth and I was a deer in headlights!  But now I knew how to rub my wife's tailbone, so all was well.  Somehow I can't imagine Swedie sitting in a chair and me pressing against her knees as she fights through painful contractions after we've been turned away from the hospital.  Then again, who knows?
I've heard dozens of births stories, and none of them included, "so then he pushed on my tailbone and everything got better."  I felt like I was being set up.  Then the kicker.  We were going to demonstrate breathing through the pain.  I was instructed to pinch Swedie's inner thigh progressively harder as she took short, quick breaths.  Then she would do the same to me (Socialism).  I pinched pretty hard (for preparations sake) and Swedie started laughing.  The midwife said people react to pain differently.  Swedie kept trying to breath as instructed, but she couldn't stop laughing at the pinches.  Then Swedie pinched me.  It was kind of hard, but not nearly amusing.  I breathed through it.  Voila!  I can EASILY give birth if that's the demonstration.  Women exaggerate so much when they talk about the pain! 
This whole thing is going to be easy.  Contractions, massages, pinches, breathing, pushing and then ugly-ass-doll baby.  I'm so ready.  Until next time...


Popular posts from this blog

From Hero to History (my daddy issues)

Confessions of a "Good Guy"

About strip clubs