Shower Reflections: Part 1

I think I've mentioned briefly on this blog that I have a habit of regularly reviewing embarrassing and awkward moments of my life.  Whenever I go through one of these flashbacks, I get that same embarrassed and awkward feeling again.  Sometimes I laugh and shake my head.  If there is embarrassing dialogue involved, I may repeat the dialogue in a silly, sarcastic voice.

      - "I've driven with too much alcohol in the system..."

I said this gem a few weeks ago when I was taking a driver safety course for my Swedish license when the instructor asked if anyone had experienced double-vision.  See what I mean!  It's like my brain finds the least acceptable thing to do/say in a social setting and then I DO IT.  I get awkward now just thinking about it.  What was I thinking?

The place where I do most of my embarrassing life reflections happens to be in the shower.  Maybe it's a symbolic thing.  Part of the cleansing process.  I get those toxic feelings out of me with a good cleaning.  I never get it completely out though.  The thoughts will come back.  They always do.  I thought I was the only one that had these thoughts in the shower until I went to dinner with Swedie's aunt and family.  Her cousin (Hi Nat-Nat!) said she has shower reflections too.  It's good to know I have company in this strange fraternity.

Some reflections are so painfully awkward that they are regulars in my showers.  That's where this next  story comes into play…

I was in Virginia Beach visiting some of my favorite people.  My best friend is from there, so his family is like my family.  Our plans this particular evening were to go to a party at my friend's sister's house and from there go clubbing.  I always like this because it involves saving money.  Drink for free at the house party (bring beer of course) and then you don't have to spend a bunch of money on drinks at the club.  Bam!  I don't remember the exact reason for the party, but extended members of the family were there.

I remembered one cousin from another family function a while back.  I always said to myself that he looks like Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger (American Football quarterback) and most of that family LOVES the Pittsburgh Steelers that "Big Ben" plays for.  If I recall correctly the guy was a Bears fan, but I digress… I recognized that the "Big Ben" look-alike was still with the same woman from the last time I had seen them.  Good for them!  The party continued.  We played some "corn hole", drank and talked trash like always.  I mingled.  This was Virginia Beach fun.

Swedie and I were out by the pool socializing with a group of friends when I saw Big Ben's girlfriend at a distance.  She had on a top that was similar to this:


Well her top had elastic where the strings are.  And the rest of the blouse flowed down like the one in the picture above.  So seeing this blouse, I leaned over to Swedie and said to her, in SWEDISH.

      - Do you think she's pregnant?
      - Yeah, probably.  But I wouldn't say anything.

I took the information in and nodded like a good husband should.  The party continued.  We mingled more.  Then the shower gods shined on me and I somehow ended up at the bar in the basement next to Big Ben's girlfriend.  We recognized each other and spoke.  Normal greetings.  Nothing major.  Smiles and head nods.  But I suffer from a sickness that entails being unable to be in a social setting without talking.  Silence is never comfortable for me.  I attribute it to arrogance.  I feel that I am such a social butterfly that I can verbally advance any situation from awkward to awesome.  Obviously this isn't possible.  Sometimes two people just don't need to talk to each other for an extended amount of time.  So I looked down at her blouse and played back the important part of Swedie's response to me.

      - F√∂rmodligen (probably)...

That was all that mattered.  Time to carry this situation out of awkwardness.  I pointed at this woman's stomach.

      - So… How far along are you? (still pointing)

Side Note: If a woman looked nine months pregnant, I wound NEVER point at her stomach while asking about the due date.  I don't think there was a worse thing possible to do.

      - Actually, I'm not pregnant.

My whole face felt hot.  My mouth dropped.  I felt betrayed by my social superpowers.  The rest of Swedie's sentence (and the most important part) ran through my head.

      - … But I wouldn't say anything.

Now this small, cute woman looked so offended.  She was burning me with her eyes.  Oddly, it seemed that she was waiting for me to try and fix this.  The best thing to do would probably be to apologize.  That wouldn't be good enough for me.  My brain was racing.  There must be a way out of this.  I wanted to blame her for wearing a shirt like that.  Yeah!  It was her fault.  Guess what search I had to do for that image up there.  That's right, "maternity blouse".  Thankfully I chose not to blame her aloud for my mistake.  But I couldn't take the full blame.  I'll just blame Random.

      - Someone is playing a cruel joke on me.  I'm sorry.

There you go, Jon.  Now walk away.  But pretend you're drunker than you really are.  On my way up out of the basement bar, I stumbled a bit so she would think I was just drunk and not a general idiot.  I B-lined it for my friend and told him the situation.  Of course he and his wife laughed at me.  I begged him to take me away from this place ASAP.  I waited out front while he said his goodbyes and then we left.

I saw Big Ben's girl again at another family function.  She had the same type of shirt on again.  I thought to myself "she doesn't learn".  She had a sense of humor though.  She walked up to me at the party at one point.

      - Still not pregnant!

She must be evil.  If only she knew about me re-living that fateful moment every tenth shower, maybe she would take it easy on me.  Now let's hope she doesn't read this blog.  And if you do, Big Ben's girlfriend…  I'm sorry.  I've got a social condition.  Until next time...

Comments

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