Jasper the Jersey Douchebag

I don't talk enough about my dog Jasper.  I joke about wishing he would just run away or something, but I really love him.  Jasper is amazing.  He's smart, he doesn't shed and he's great with kids.  Yes, even bad ass kids whose mother acts like she doesn't see said bad ass kid pulling at his ears and tail.  I swear I almost did a secret pinch on that kid if he would have kept accosting Jasper.  I digress...

Jasper is a little too smart.  Sometimes it gets to a level of manipulation.  That's not good.  But I guess you take the good with the bad.  He doesn't scratch or chew and he's good about holding his bowels.  As a matter of fact, it only took us a week or so to get him fully housebroken.  It was amazing.  I just had to spend a few weeks coming home for lunch so that he could empty his little bladder.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  His little furry body.  Him whimpering because he had to go, but he already knew that he needed to wait until he got to that comfortable grass outside.  Good boy!  I think it may have been the hardwood floors.  Maybe if we had carpet it would have been more difficult, but whatever.  I like thinking that my dog is better than your dog.  And he is.

I've always considered myself a dog person.  But sometimes Jasper makes me think I'm not anymore. Like for instance every single day that I go to work he acts like the world is really about to end.  I think he has separation anxiety or something.  It could possibly be because we've moved multiple times since we got him, but the common denominator is... We ALWAYS come back home!  He doesn't seem to get it; and full disclosure, sometimes his painful whining makes me want to go find that little torture kid from the park and give them ten minutes together in a small room.

It wasn't always like that, though.  Jasper didn't make a sound for the first week we had him.  Well, except for his excessive sniffing and hyperventilating in the middle of the night when he really had to pee.  It was wonderful.  I like living in apartments, so I knew I would need a small-to-medium-sized dog.  Small dogs' barking is too much for me.  I just can't take it.  So we got a schnauzer-poodle (affectionately called Schnoodle) and we were told that one of the parents was a miniature.  I think it was the Poodle.  Who cares?  We had our dog.  He wouldn't get too big.  And it seemed like he was not going to bark.

Fast forward to today.  He doesn't bark all the time.  But when he does it's like the bark finds that nerve just under my medulla oblongata and squeezes it as hard as possible.  I know the barking accomplishes nothing.  We're not under attack.  It's just a visitor or the freaking mail man.  It happens every day.  Why act insane, Jasper?  When it is a visitor, he goes insane.  They probably think the whole house is insane.  He hears the elevator, perks up, runs to the door barking like an idiot.  I yell at him to shut up, which he probably thinks is me barking with him.  So now we're basically both barking at the poor guest on the other side of the door.  I get him semi-calm until the door opens.  Sometimes I send him to his bed (the one my mom fell in).  Regardless, if he knows the person at the door, he will shoot toward them like a bullet, then jump up and smell them, then go back to his bed to get a toy that he runs around with for a couple of seconds.  It's just strange.  Why is my dog insane?

I found out Jasper was a Jersey Douchebag pretty early in his life.  We went to the puppy training classes with him (I promise you that one of his owners not named Swedie worked with him and still does practice the things we learned in the class) and learned how to introduce him to other dogs.  Simple stuff.  Let them sniff.  Watch their body language.  If you're on one's turf then introduce them through a barrier.  Blah blah blah.  Well here is how Jasper meeting another dog goes 89% of the time:

       - Is it okay if they meet?
       - Sure!  She's very friendly.
       - Okay.

Then they start sniffing butts (what if humans greeted like this?) and whatnot.  Then the other dog starts trying to end Jasper's life!  Growling and snarling ensue and both owners pull our dog away.

       - Oh my God!  I don't understand, she never does that!
       - Yeah.  It's my dog.  Maybe he did something.  Oh well.  Have a nice day.
       - You too.  Sorry.

Of course she never does that.  She is normally very nice because the other dog is normally not a douchebag.  But Jasper is.  I don't know what he does in dog language, but dogs hate him.  People ask me if he's nice.  Yes he's very nice.  But your dog won't like him.  How do I say that to people?  It's always the same story.  I don't want to be the jerk that doesn't let his dog socialize.  Sure they can sniff butts for a sec, but your dog is about to become an attempted murderer.  I don't know why, sir.  Well yeah I do.  Jasper is from Jersey.  Maybe other dogs see him like we look at the cast of Jersey Shore.  Look at this Schnoodle.  He's obviously spent too much time tanning and he has too much hair gel.  What's wrong with him?  He's sniffing my butt now.  Longer than the agreed upon butt-sniffing time limit.  You know what?  He's really disrespectful.  Who does he think he is breaking social rules like that?  He needs to die!  

That's how it goes.  I've come to terms with it.  My dog is a douchebag, but I love him.  He hasn't been getting enough attention since Bash came into our lives, but he takes it in stride.  Like with everything else.  He's moved in with us, from Jersey to Maryland, to my sister's for a month, back to Jersey, to our friends' place with two bigger dogs, then a flight to Sweden (under the plane) that must have been traumatic, then to Bro-in-Law's, then here.  All that and he's still lovable and kind.  And now I've noticed him trying to engage with Bash by dropping a chew toy in front of him.  Too bad Bash tries to put everything in his mouth, so that can't happen just yet.  But it's coming, Jasper.  Hang in there buddy.  Your friend is going to get bigger and you'll have your paws full.  Just keep being your awesomely douchey self and I'll keep loving you just the way you annoyingly are.  Until next time...


Popular posts from this blog

About strip clubs

Confessions of a "Good Guy"

From Hero to History (my daddy issues)