A Spider Bit My Frank!!! ***NOT FOR SENSITIVE READERS***
The airport security process (that's probably more of an inconvenience than a deterrent) has driven me to dress like I'm going to a slumber party whenever I fly. I don sweatpants, easily removable shoes (once sports sandals) and my trusty Okayplayer hoodie. The sweatpants are comfortable, but they also do not require a belt. I breeze through security (wallet, keys, etc in carry-on), kick my shoes off and throw them in the bin. I laugh in the face of the security agent that asks if I have anything in my pockets or if I'm wearing a belt. Stupid question. I'm Expat Jon!
Miami was still Miami on my recent trip, so I had no use for that hoodie or those sweatpants once we landed. My first order of business was to hang them up in the closet until it was time to head back to the lovely Swedish weather.
Sure enough, on the last day, my travel outfit was waiting for me. I took my shorts off and put my sweats on. I was ready to get home by then, so it wasn't as sad as you might think. Our bags were packed and I just needed to brush my teeth one last time. I did that, scratched, cleared out our things from the bathroom, scratched, walked around the house for a final check, scratched. We're good. Ready to go. Why do I keep scratching? My nether regions were itching very badly. But this wasn't the normal man-itch. Normally a man-itch is the section I'll call the beans. An itch on the beans every now and then is expected (we have hair, moisture, etc.). But this itch was on what we'll call the frank. The frank never normally itched. Not like this. I was really irritated.
I went to Swedie with a look of sadness and concern. She was in the bedroom checking for any of our belongings. I closed the door behind me.
- Swedie, I'm itching like crazy!
Mind you, now I've pulled the frank out and I'm standing slouched and scratching it with both hands while I frown at Swedie with a helpless look on my face. Then for about half a second, both Swedie and I looked suspiciously at one another like "What did you give me?!" Then we realized that it was ridiculous and focused on the matter at hand.
- It just started. I just put these drawers on. You think it's the detergent or something?
- Probably not. Maybe those pants. Shake those pants out.
When I tell you I jumped out of those sweatpants... I turned them inside out and slapped them against the ground like they were on fire. Then scratched. I looked at the crotch of the pants. Nothing. But this had to be it. I shook them again. I NEEDED to wear my sweats. I looked at my frank again. There were THREE bumps on it with a red dot on the top of each bump. I had spider bites! I felt infested. Invaded. I didn't know what to think. I didn't see the spider. Was it poisonous? I was glad I had a kid already. This might be it for kids. I may lose my frank.
I can't lose my frank!!! I ran to the bathroom. The first thing I saw under the sink was peroxide. That would do the trick. And it wouldn't sting. I grabbed a couple of cotton balls and doused them with peroxide. I applied it and... white stuff... bubbled out of the bites. I almost threw up on my frank. Two of the bites were almost on top of each other. The third bite was - I mean is - about half an inch away. This spider must have been angry as hell. And it was a fast and aggressive little mofo. On top of that it may still be alive (I hope not), but I have to give props to the spider. Despite being grossed out, applying the peroxide made me feel better about life. I may not lose my frank after all.
My frank was irritated for the entire 8 1/2 hour flight. The other passengers must have thought I had either diarrhea or a cocaine habit. I went to the bathroom about five times. I had to check on my frank. You would too! It remained irritated for the next few days. I was wondering if it still worked. Swedie and I were a bit scared to be intimate. I was more scared than she was. I didn't feel the same. But as a husband I have duties. Plus it's hard for Swedie to keep her hands off of this stud!
Good news... my frank works!!! Obviously I won't go into detail, but I'll just say there was a point during the "warm-up phase" when I said:
- It itches, but that's just scabbing, so we should be alright.
Maybe I did deserve to lose my frank. Until next time...