A Surprise Doctor's Visit

I have always prided myself on not getting sick and having few medical issues.  I used to brag about having better than 20/20 vision.  Unfortunately I can't anymore since my left eye seems to be worse than my right eye.  In the past if I had any issues with this remarkable structure that is my body I've just let it pass or ask around for advice.  I definitely wouldn't go to the doctor.  That's a sign of weakness!

Now I'm older and wiser.  You hear too many tragic stories that maybe could have turned out differently if someone would have just gone and gotten checked out when they first noticed something was wrong.  My great-grandmother was unknowingly rubbing BenGay (pain medicine) on a lump in her breast that turned out to be caused by the cancer that eventually killed her.  I have a kid now, so I can't be as reckless as I used to.  If I have an issue now, I won't just keep it to myself.

So Monday I noticed some blood when I wiped after using the bathroom.  I thought to myself this is no big deal.  I've had drops of blood or some pinkish color before.  But not like this.  I must admit that this kind of scared me.

       - SWEDIE!!!

Swedie came to the bathroom.  I told her the issue.  Naturally she got scared and naturally I got tough.

       - It's no big deal.
       - We have to call the hospital!  That's a lot of blood.
       - I'll be alright.

I didn't know if I'd be alright.  I knew I should call the hospital.  But I didn't want to waste anyone's time.  Family members of mine have had hemorrhoids before.  Maybe that's what this was.  Swedie reluctantly agreed to wait until the next day to see if there was still blood.  I hoped this was just a weird occurrence.  But those thoughts lingered.  What if this is serious?  What about Bash?  I knew that for the first time in our relationship Swedie was right and I was wrong.  I stubbornly and frightfully waited for the next day.

Of course there was still blood! Unbeknownst to me, Swedie had been on the internet reading all of the horror stories imaginable about blood in feces.  In her mind I was going to die tomorrow if I didn't get to the hospital and have emergency poop blood surgery.  I wasn't on that level of scared, but I was prepared to find out what was going on.  Swedie set it up for us to go in the morning.  I just sat and waited and felt sorry for myself while possibly dying.

Wednesday would be the day.  Tuesday night I had let out the most gentle poop that I had ever pooped in my life.  Little to no effort at all.  Still blood.  Sigh.  I guess I really have to go to the clinic.  Why me?  We went early in the morning.  I chose to hold off on pooping.  I was sure I would have to give a sample.  That would be quite the embarrassment.  I didn't want to have to go home and carry poop back over there.  I would be a good patient.  Prepared.  Get the bag or container or whatever and go do my business and hand it right back to the doctor.  I would have some control over this situation.  I looked around as we walked there.  It was an overcast day with snow on the ground.  Perfect day for terrible news.  Here goes.

We waited patiently.  I paid the equivalent of $24 for this visit.  That's right.  Only $24!  Bash has no idea what was going on.  He was flirting with people in the lobby and adjusting to walking with shoes on for the first time.  He picked it up quickly.  Bravo, Bash!

The doctor was nice.  I couldn't place his nationality, but he was friendly and understood the embarrassment of the situation.  As we spoke, I became more comfortable.  I was proud of myself for sticking with my Swedish for the whole conversation.  I even knew some technical medical terms.  Go Expat Jon! Doc asked me some questions that I don't think anyone can answer.

       - Did you notice mucous in the water?
       - Was there blood in the water?
       - Is the color of your poop different recently?

Am I doing it wrong?  I was taught poop, wipe, flush, put the seat down.  I missed the "inspect" part.  Doc, I can't help you, man.  I wouldn't even known about the blood if I wouldn't have looked after I wiped.  What more can I say?  Doc gave me some possible reasons for the blood.  He assured me that it's not always serious.  But Swedie said I was dying!  I just knew he was going to whip out a bag or bottle and ask for a sample.  I was going to impress him with my readiness.

       - Well let's do a check for possible hemorrhoids.

Great.  Doc is going to be looking at my hairy butt.  He'll tell this story at the next dinner party. Wait... Why is he putting gloves on?  I looked at the woman who betrayed me.  She had an apologetic look on her face.

       - Should I leave?

I couldn't believe she asked that!  No, woman!  You're not going to leave!  You're going to watch every second of this situation that you brought upon me.  Doc told me to take off my pants.  Not underwear just yet.  I guess he's not the type to rush things.  I was panicking.  I shook my head and started disrobing.  My Swedish started escaping me.  So many thoughts were running through my head.  He explained to me how to lay on the bed.  I said okay, but I didn't know what was going on.

The bed was against the wall.  Doc was standing there with gloves on waiting for me.  I couldn't look at his face anymore.  I just stared at the ground as I walked over.  I bent my knees and waist so I could have my torso on the bed like in a prison rape scene.  Doc was confused.  He told me to get on the bed.  So I got on my stomach like an intimate prison sex scene.  Doc realized that I didn't pay any attention to him.  I couldn't help it.  I was in shock.  He told me to lay on my side facing the wall.  He helped me bend my knees into a full fetal position.  For some reason it felt natural for me to suck my thumb.  I fought the urge.

Doc told me that he was putting on lubrication.  Thanks, Doc!  I just shook my head and prepared as he did his check.  He noticed me squinting and he said he understood that it was uncomfortable.  What a gentle doctor.  I fought off the sensation to pee.  I really had to pee for a second.  Then it went away.  It was done.  He was finished.  He took his glove off and I felt relieved it was all over.  He told me I had no hemorrhoids.  He didn't know what was causing the bleeding.  Possibly a vein thing or something.  Just monitor my poop and let him know if there's still blood.

So basically you just probed my asshole and gave me no answers?! At least make something up, Doc!  I looked at Swedie.  She couldn't even look at me.  She knew that I was not the happiest camper.  I made sure that Doc would check up on me if I came back.  I had gotten to know him now and I'm just not that kind of girl.

The walk home was a silent one.  I just shook my head the whole way.  Swedie wanted to talk, I didn't.  Just let me have my walk of shame in peace.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  That type of checkup is for men over 40 and I've got some years left.  Why does this stuff happen to me?  Naturally, there was no blood the night after the doctor's visit.  I guess all is well now.  Good thing I went to the doctor!  Until next time...


  1. Everybody wants to push it out too fast. You should enjoy your time on the toilet and not rush. Let it naturally come out Jon...go to your happy place (kinda like you did during the exam).


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