Hole Day Ruined!

It's summertime in Sweden.  That means EVERYBODY leaves.  At work it's basically a skeleton crew.  Mainly me (the sucker that took vacation early in the summer) and another guy who is waiting until the fall.  Mother nature hooked us up this year with a beautiful summer so far, so that makes it a little less fun to be cooped up at the job.  The good thing for me is learning so much on the fly.  Sometimes I HAVE to find answers on my own because I'm the only one there.  Learning by doing is the best, right?

Friday was a super crazy day.  There was a buzz about the office.  The mood was pretty much brink of insanity.  My counterpart forewarned me that at 2:45pm at the latest he was going to be getting out of there.  He had some summer stuff to do.  My brain immediately did a poop/lunch schedule check.  I could poop at 5, but I'd need to grab lunch at around 2ish.  Thankfully (and unfortunately) there is a Burger King across the street from my job.  The universe has tested me every work day since February.  I have failed that test more than I'd like to admit.  The people at BK know it's me because I'm the guy that REFUSES to call the FISH KING a "Fisk Meny".  You know why?  Because on the freaking poster it says "Fish King".  So stop fucking correcting me in your condescending way.

       - Va sa du? (What did you say)
       - Jag ta en FISH KING!?
       - (pauses for true asshole effect) Aaah, en Fisk MENYYY!

I hate all of them there.

So 2pm snuck up on me.  Now I knew this would have to be a true working lunch.  Things weren't slowing down by any means.  I figured my colleague would hang around a bit until things settled down.  He handed me some papers.  Great, a task.  I'll do this and then run over to BK and be back by 2:45.  I did the task while handling some other things (I'm getting good at this).  Now it was 2:25pm. I turned off my phone and waved to my colleague.  It was now or never.  I got out of there and headed to Burger King (cue heavenly music).

I'd like to take a moment to explain my love for Burger King.  They do burgers better than that clown establishment that I won't name.  The flame broiled taste is a winner.  I like the thickness of the fries.  It's just an overall better fast food place.  Couple that with the fact that Stockholm has a clown establishment damn near on every corner and only a handful of BKs and you can understand why Burger King holds that special place in my heart.  Of course it's not as popular, but it's an underdog with a better product.  Gotta love it!

My journey to BK entails me walking through a tunnel under a busy street and then either stepping up onto a hill as a shortcut or walking around the path to the sidewalk.  I was in a hurry, so I took the shortcut.  I stepped up onto the concrete slab and felt my pants constrict.  As I put weight on my right foot to lift my body up, I heard it and felt it.  The rip was like a release.  My pants exhaled.  Finally!  My office is inside of a refrigerated warehouse.  I was reminded of that fact when I reached down to feel the damage.  I knew it sounded bad.  I had looked around already.  A Swedish man was doing their patented walk without looking at anything in the world.  At least he didn't see my drawers.  My fingers were cold!  My hand was cold!  How big was this hole?

So many things ran through my mind.  I didn't have time to go home because my colleague was going to do some summer stuff.  I was going to have to just suck it up and work with holey pants.  I stood in line at BK feeling 10% fatter.  It felt like everyone was looking at me and shaking their heads.

       - What a greedy man.  He was in such a hurry he ripped his pants to get here!

I practiced the "why I have a big ass hole in my pants" story in Swedish.  I would need that.  I ordered my food with my legs pressed together tightly.  I backed up to a wall while waiting.  I grabbed my food and walked what now felt like 500 miles back to work.  I walked into the refrigerated warehouse.  Guess how cold my right upper thigh felt.  I just missed my colleague. It was up to me to run the show now.  I dreaded every time I had to get up from my chair.  Not only because I was eating so fast that I looked like I was somebody's inmate.  But also, my confidence was shot.  It's amazing how little confidence one has when one has a giant hole in one's pants. 

Long story short, I survived.  I ended up telling my "why I have a big ass hole in my pants" story twice.  That's not so bad.  They laughed and said they felt sorry for me (stackars...).  I worked through what was the most insane work day so far.  I came out on the other side knowing a bit more about my job and caring a bit less about my swag.  If I had one guess, I'd say it was the universe punishing me for not planning well enough not to "have" to go to BK for lunch.  Maybe it was payback for rushing at the last minute.  Or maybe... just maybe... it was that damn clown from that other establishment.  I'll go with the last one.  Until next time...


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