Expat Jon takes on the world (well... Sweden)

I found out about the latest mass shooting when I was on my way to the comedy club to do a set.  Great!  Just what I needed to get me in a good mind set.  Thanks Swedie.  I said I wouldn't read up on it just yet.  I didn't want it on my mind.  I walked in and a Swedish comedian nodded to me:        - What's up bro?  Did you hear about that shooting?  You guys and your guns, man.  It's crazy! I just shook my head.  It was like I was representing my dumb ass country with their stubborn ass, outdated rules.  The rest of the civilized world is baffled by our stupidity.  This keeps happening and will happen again because we are a gun-crazed society that refuses to change.  The culture is dangerous and the political process is polluted.  The NRA has too much control over the conversation and we eat that shit up because it's "our right".  I hear people shouting out "SECOND AMENDMENT!" without kno...

This time of year the Swedes walk around in a pretty much constant state of sadness. I get even less eye contact when walking on the street than normal.  The weather talks go from disappointment about the summer weather to anxiety about the coming winter.  It's understandable.  Winters are long and dark and cold here.  If the weather affects your mood, September in Sweden is the long, steep water slide leading into the sea of freezing depression. I, on the other hand, walk around with a smile of anticipation plastered on my face.  The end of August doesn't signify the last chances to wear summer clothes or go for a swim.  For me it means football is back!  I love the Fall.  The crispness in the air and the leaves turning mean that I will be passionately screaming at my TV on Sunday evenings.  I'll be battling sleep as I try to catch the end of those west coast games.  It's a great time for me. I can imagine that my chipper attitude i...

I must admit, I didn't think it would happen.  I thought I would always be the guy screaming from the "radical left" that America needs to get with the program but it will never happen because our government blah blah blah... Then I got the text from Swedie that it was official.  The Supreme Court had made it illegal to ban the marriage of homosexuals.  Just like that it was over.  You can't appeal higher than that.  A broad smile was plastered on my face.  I was ecstatic.  There was one less thing that foreigners could say about stuck-in-the-past America.  We did it.  We really did it!  I told Swedish people.  Most of them didn't even know that it wasn't allowed yet.  It's been legal here since 2009 (legally recognized unions since 1995, but the term "marriage" applied in '09).  To them it wasn't a big deal.  Whoop-dee-doo.  Welcome to modern times. I knew I was in favor of marriage equality.  I knew I su...

I may be the most patriotic person that I know.  You know what, I take that back.  My boy Mike Jones is the most patriotic person I know.  He makes people take their hats off during the national anthem.  People he doesn't even know.  And sternly too.  Like it's not even a choice.        - Ma'am, take off your hat!  Show some respect. So yeah.  It's Mike Jones and then me.  I'm the second most patriotic person that I know.  My friends here think I'm brainwashed.  Bro-in-Law says that I would be considered a racist here if I said things about Sweden that I do about the US.  It is what it is.  I love my country.  I think my country is great. I was willing to die for my country.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I saluted B-1 bombers before they departed to demolish Iraq at the beginning of that unjust war.  I get chills as I think about that moment.  I get goosebumps when I hear "The S...

I know, I know.  Home is technically here now.  I live in Sweden.  But I'm at that point of excitement when you start saying in [insert time frame] I will be in [insert American city].  Well, next week's blog will be sent from Miami.  Bam!  So excited. This one is going to be different.  I'm always excited to go back home, but this time I'm bringing the next generation.  So far only my mother and brother have gotten to meet Bash.  That takes it to another level.  I can't wait for Bash to meet all of the crazy people that helped make me into the crazy person that I am.  I can't wait for all of the crazy people to meet the person that I'm going to make into a crazy person one day! I'm a bit apprehensive about the flight.  I'm that passenger that rolls his eyes and wonders why people can't get their kids under control.  Karma will probably guarantee that I'm the apologetic parent at some point on this flight.  The go...

When I moved here, I vowed to myself that I would be more active.  I said I would work out more, eat healthy and all that good stuff.  The fact that running is straight up boring means that I have to find other ways to be more active.  My go-to activity to accomplish this is basketball.  There is a wonderful court downtown that I liked to play at when I could, but I needed more.  At the court I would have to depend on good weather and good competition.  Last year Swedie's uncle told me that I could come to his team practices every Wednesday to get in a good run.  They play in a gym and there would always be good competition because they are getting ready for their games. Practice was fun.  The guys are a bit older than me, but skilled.  The game is more physical in general here.  The first time someone sets a pick on you, you know it.  You might think that the guy doesn't like you.  But that's just how they play.  More e...

Weddings are awesome.  That's not just my opinion that I'm trying to impress upon you.  That there is a fact.  Weddings are awesome.  They're so awesome that whenever they make a movie about weddings, that movie is a success.  Think about it.  Wedding Crashers, Bridesmaids, The Hangover, The Best Man, Four Weddings and a Funeral, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Wedding Singer, The Wood, My Best Friend's Wedding and the list goes one.  They are all good movies because they are all related to weddings .  It's a huge day for the couple celebrating and everyone is generally in a great mood.  Generally people go to weddings with the intention of getting drunk and having fun.  One of my favorite things about weddings is everyone's inhibitions on the dance floor.  People don't care if they look like they're dodging bullets while being electrocuted, they just want to dance! We had a wedding ceremony here in 2008.  I consider it one ...

I think my Swedish friends think I'm a little bit crazy.  I even think I may be a little bit crazy.  But in a good way.  I'm that "good crazy".  You know how you have that one friend who always has some crazy new idea?  Then the next week, that friend has a new, crazy new idea?   I'm that friend.  The thing is, my ideas are good.  Really good!  With the proper resources, all of my ideas would be successful and heralded by all that know of them. But then another idea comes along.  And that earlier idea becomes... meh.  I mean, it's still a good idea -  a great idea even - but this one is better and it needs all of my focus.  Even though the plan is for me to fully execute the first brilliant idea and then follow up with the even better idea.  But that new idea is so tantalizing that I just have to go all in on it.  Then the other slightly less brilliant idea gets left in the shadows.  You know how this sto...

So Pride Week just happened here in Stockholm last week.  The week of festivities is culminated by a huge parade.  Word is, there were 60,000 people at the parade this year!  That's a lot of pride.  I had to work on Saturday, so I was unable to attend.  I hadn't thought about attending, though.  I didn't know how big it is here.  I didn't know the level of support that the gay community gets here.  I must say, it's remarkable. While I was working, Young Cousin called me to see what I was doing.  I told him I was working.  He said that was unfortunate.  He was calling to invite me to watch the parade from his friend's balcony.  He said they were having fun and the view of the parade was awesome.  I tried to hide my surprise.  Young Cousin is 23.  At 23, a gay pride parade would probably have been one of the last places I would have gone to.  I wasn't homophobic or anything (or was I?), but I was more ignoran...

Sometimes things from the past belong just there.  In the past.  I was recently smacked in the face with this fact.  My friends and I regularly reference memories of our childhood.  We talk about things that were awesome and shaped our lives.  On most occasions those references include clothes, games or movies.  When it comes to movies, I'm obsessive.  I want everyone to see the movie.  I love dialog, so I memorize the cool quotes and then use those quotes in real life situations.  Normally I do this with popular movies so I don't look like Rainman.  But here, I look like Rainman anyway because movies that were popular back home might not have been popular here. My movie-watching prime was from the late-80's to early 00's.  I still watch movies regularly, but I must say I'm not quite the repeat watcher that I used to be.  The last movie I obsessed over was "There Will Be Blood".  You can't really go around quoting that m...

My dad told me when I was a little kid that giving compliments are important.  Once at a drive-thru, he took his bags from the cashier and right before he drove away he said:        - Keep smiling, you look good. I only saw her for about three more seconds as we drove away, but she was beaming.  All I could see was flushed cheeks and teeth as I looked out of the back window.  My dad handed me the bags of food and dropped some knowledge as I waited for an opening so I could ask for a french fry.  He told me that giving compliments is a small thing that means a lot.  According to him, that one sentence took a second for him to say, but it made her day.  She could have been having a bad day, but him telling her to smile made it better.  Compliments were important.  I was amazed at this gem of wisdom.  I would definitely start saying nice things to make people's day.  It would be awesome if everybody remembered me!...

My experience with soccer is very limited.  I vaguely remember playing in P.E. as an elementary school kid, but that had to be less than four total times.  I tried to watch on Univision a few times because I loved the way the guy yelled "Gooooooooooooooooaaaaaal!!!" whenever a goal was scored.   Crazy, right?!  He was so excited.  It would be so exciting to see the goal and then hear the call.  Unfortunately for me, I would never see a goal scored live. I would lose interest after a few minutes and change the channel.  Or, even worse, I would lose interest while the game was on and find out that a goal had been scored by hearing the announcer yelling "Goooooooooooooooaaaaaal!!!"  Then the replay but the magic is gone by then.  Just my luck.  The few times in my life that I did see a goal scored live, I would go crazy.  Even as an adult.  It is one of the better feelings in the sports-watching experience.  Right up...

I heard all of the chatter.  I read all of the seemingly meaningless Facebook posts with the obligatory "#GoT" included.  I figured it was hype.  This show wasn't my type of show anyway.  I had watched a bit of an episode when I visited my brother one day.  It was a soft core porn period piece.  No thank you.  Then I heard there were some elements of fantasy.  Dragons?  Ghosts?  Magic?  Nah.  This wasn't a show for me.  Then Saturday Night Live spoofed it as if it was directed by a horny 13 year old obsessed with nudity and that confirmed my decision. This may have continued to be my view on this show if we had stayed in the States.  There are countless shows on countless channels to keep you busy in the US.  That's not so much the case here.  The shows on TV here are mostly cooking competitions, some type of singing show or a reality show from the US or UK.  I'm surprised there isn't a reality singin...

I was born a little thick baby.  Not too big, not too small.  I guess at six pounds, I was a little bit bigger than most twins, but nothing special.  Being a twin, I always had that reference point.  I was the thicker twin.  The "big one".  My brother was always the "skinny one".  In all actuality I was kind of chunky.  Like five ham sandwiches away from being a fat kid.  Luckily I loved to play sports and stay active.  If the internet would have been around I would have been a fat ass for sure!  But it wasn't and I wasn't. My family called the weight "baby fat".  My chubby cheeks and big legs were filled with baby fat.  Doesn't that just sound cute?  The problem comes when I become an adult and my body is surrounded by "grown up fat".  Then "Tiffany From Across the Street" came into my life.  That was the summer that I turned 13.  I will never forget that summer.  It was in Chicago.  I had ...