Expat Jon takes on the world (well... Sweden)

Bash's energy level is INSANE.  It got so crazy that Swedie and I had a meeting about it.  We decided to get him into something to expend that energy.  Swedie found a children's gymnastics course that Bash would surely like. Of course the price of the course made me think maybe this was an overreaction.  Then Bash sprinted by on all four faster than any human should and I relented. Now gymnastics is incorporated in Bash's routine.  It's officially added to his list of possible destinations.  He asks if we're going to:        Day Care        Mormor (grandma)        Morfar (granddad)        Gymnastics And he doesn't like to go home either.  He's like Daddy.  He knows there's a party going on somewhere.  The first day of gymnastics was a new thing for all of the kids.  It seemed challenging for most of the parents to keep the kids somewhat foc...

Eating on public transportation makes me feel guilty somehow.  I don't know what it is.  It's my food. There's no rule against it.  Something about it makes me feel rude or something.  Once I was taking a very short flight in North Carolina.  The plane was a very small plane that barely had room in the cabin for carry-on luggage.  I firmly believe that there is a rule in the universe that mandates that I sit next to an obese person in a situation like this.  I  looked at my ticket... F4... F4.  I scanned the plane and saw a woman in one and a half seats.  I knew the half was F4.  This was a short layover.  I had hurriedly stopped by Burger King on my way to my gate.  I didn't have time to eat it, but whatever, I'd eat on the flight. I counted the rows as I approached the half seat.  I hoped there was a number between 3 and 4 that I hadn't ever learned about.  There wasn't.  I was in the half seat next to ...

It was almost bedtime.  Bash was asleep and we were enjoying each other's company like parents of crazy 11-month olds do.  Relaxing!  These days relaxing includes cuddling up on the sofa and watching television.  We're almost done with "The Wire" now.  If it was just me I'd be done already, but Swedie wants to get through this one together.  I'm fine with that.  Sometimes you've got to sacrifice. As with every night, Swedie stopped after a gripping episode and said we can't watch anymore.  She has class in the morning and she needs to be focused.  Way to prioritize!  I was sleepy anyway and I had work in the morning myself.  Bash is a full-time job.  I decided I would take a shower and go to bed.  Sensible decision for a sensible man. Swedie and I have been together so long that we've gotten over the whole showering together thing.  It was cute and romantic at first, but now it's a hassle.  She likes the wate...

Bash's grade of hair falls between mine and Swedie.  I was a bit concerned about how his hair would be because it's kind of a toss-up with mixed kids like Bash.  I was prepared for the worst.  In my opinion, the worst would have been that thick, dry, reddish hair that some mixed kids have.  Nothing against those people, but we all have our preferences.  I hope for Bash's sake that he can hold on to a full head of hair for longer than I did.  Not that I hate what I look like or anything, but it's good to have options.  I don't have options. We (my twin brother Jason and I) did have options when we were growing up.  At my earliest memories I would be excited to get a hair cut from my dad.  I hope Bash has that same excitement because I plan to cut his hair.  The only difference is I'm actually good at cutting hair.  Dad used to jack us the hell up!  And I liked it!  I guess it makes sense because he was my hero and all, ...

Merry Christmas readers!!!  I would say "Happy Holidays", but I'm completely against when people say that.  Everyone's so sensitive nowadays that I can't even wish people a Merry Christmas without feeling bad or improper.  If someone said "Happy Hanukkah" to me, I would probably say it right back.  I want them to have a happy whatever they celebrate.  I don't know anyone that celebrates Kwanzaa, but I would definitely extend wishes of Kwanzaa happiness if I did.  So don't get on me for saying "Merry Christmas".  Especially when  I'm  the one wishing the well-wishes and I happen to celebrate Christmas.  And it shouldn't be a surprise gesture.  I mean, look around.  People have didn't put up holiday  lights or decorate a holiday  tree.  They aren't playing holiday  music on the radio.    Well, actually I've heard two Hanukkah songs this year and one was by Adam Sandler so I don't know if that really ...

The airport security process (that's probably more of an inconvenience than a deterrent) has driven me to dress like I'm going to a slumber party whenever I fly.  I don sweatpants, easily removable shoes (once sports sandals) and my trusty Okayplayer hoodie.  The sweatpants are comfortable, but they also do not require a belt.  I breeze through security (wallet, keys, etc in carry-on), kick my shoes off and throw them in the bin.  I laugh in the face of the security agent that asks if I have anything in my pockets or if I'm wearing a belt.  Stupid question.  I'm Expat Jon! Miami was still Miami on my recent trip, so I had no use for that hoodie or those sweatpants once we landed.  My first order of business was to hang them up in the closet until it was time to head back to the lovely Swedish weather. Sure enough, on the last day, my travel outfit was waiting for me.  I took my shorts off and put my sweats on.  I was ready to get home...

You ever have something weird happen to you?  Of course you have.  We all do.  Don't feel weird about it.  But most of the time there is some explanation.  Something that makes you understand that maybe it wasn't that weird.  Then the world is back to normal and everything is okay.  However, sometimes something weird happens and it doesn't get explained.  That's the worst!  Me with my obsessive personality, I can't handle things like that.  I just pore and pore over it looking for some sort of answer that never comes. Take my hangy-ball thingy for instance.  In case you're not familiar with my use of the proper medical term (hang-ball thingy), I'm talking about that little organ in the back of my throat between my tonsils. I added a picture of a "uvula" below so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. My hang-ball thingy is a normal one.  It functions however they are supposed to function.  I've never had a p...

Yesterday at work I saw a guy with an old rickety van broken down on the street.  I'm a nice guy and all, so I was ready to go out and give this guy a hand.  He looked to be a bit older and people were walking by while he was apparently trying to parallel park his big rickety van while it was in neutral. It looked to be a painstaking process.  He was going so slow.  I wanted to be the hero.  The American that swoops in and saves the day.  I'm the guy that sees the world and wants to help it.  Go on out there, Jon.  Save him! But did I save him?  Of course not.  And not because I've become a Swede.  No, that's not it at all.  I still have a grasp on my friendly, southern, American side.  The thing is, I've sworn off all vehicular assistance after this one incident: A few years back, I was working as a manager for FedEx in New Jersey.  Part of my responsibilities was to make sure the drivers weren't leaving customers'...

There may be some American-English phrases that foreigners find weird.  I can admit that.  But here, I'm the foreigner.  And Swedes have some strange and sometimes confusing phrases that they use.  Just when I think I have the hang of this language something new is thrown at me.  I'll break down a few of my favorites: Helt Okay This phrase is a perfect description of Swedish people.  Helt Okay.  It means "completely okay".  How is that possible?  Can something be completely (a superlative) okay?  I don't think so.  It's strange every time I hear it.  A friend of mine went to see a movie.  I asked how the movie was and he said it was "helt okay".  So it was an absolutely average movie?  Does a helt okay movie get relegated to "wait for the DVD" or "catch it on cable"?  I need more details.  To me, helt okay matches the Swedish attitude.  This isn't a culture where excitement is expressed often. ...

I get around nowadays mostly through public transportation.  The infrastructure here is amazing and the associated phone app is almost always on point.  I can find my way around easily.  I have become a podcast fiend, so my phone always has some goodies for me to listen to while I ride.  This is so much better than driving or riding in a car.  There is pressure to entertain in the car.  You have to listen to agreed upon music or talk about an agreed upon subject.  With public transportation it's all about me and what I want to do to pass the time. The simplicity of public transportation here has made road trips basically nonexistent. We've only been on one and that was coming back from Göteborg to pick up Swedie's car that we shipped from the States.  We took the train out there and drove back.  That road trip was pretty uneventful.  I normally look forward to road trips.  When we were kids, my mom would take us on road trips and ...

This weekend I drove my body to the limits.  I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking that I’m still a young buck.  This may have been the last straw.  Maybe this break up was just what I needed. It started on Friday.  I got off of work at about 7pm and went home to get ready for my boy’s party.  I missed the last party that they threw, so it was a must that I check this one out.  What kind of friend misses two parties?  So – arm twisted and everything – I had to go.  Plus, our podcast endorsed the party, so basically this was a business trip.  Swedie understood.  I had a good time that Friday night.  I knew I had to work on Saturday at 9am, so I didn’t go too crazy.  I had a few drinks and grooved to the great mix of Hip-Hop/Reggae/Dancehall that always accompanies these parties .  I even left before the end of the party like a responsible adult.  I got home at about 2:30am.  My friend William r...

Bash has his low crawl technique perfected.  It was so cute when he first learned to go from point A to point B.  He would be frustrated with his body not doing what he wanted it to do.  It's like me on the basketball court, so I completely understand him.  But now he's like lighting.  The problem now is point B is normally something that can kill him.  Two minutes ago I had to grab his legs and pull him away from the surge protector right before he started playing with the batteries that are charging.  Apparently the charge light attracted his attention. Bash has been lucky that his parents are awesome and popular, so he's gotten a lot of toys.  Unfortunately for those awesome parents he doesn't seem to care about said toys.  Jasper's blue chew bone is more exciting.  And Jasper being the Jersey douche that he is loves to drop that bone right in front of Bash.  But when I want to play fetch with that bone he won't let it go. ...

When I moved here, I vowed to myself that I would be more active.  I said I would work out more, eat healthy and all that good stuff.  The fact that running is straight up boring means that I have to find other ways to be more active.  My go-to activity to accomplish this is basketball.  There is a wonderful court downtown that I liked to play at when I could, but I needed more.  At the court I would have to depend on good weather and good competition.  Last year Swedie's uncle told me that I could come to his team practices every Wednesday to get in a good run.  They play in a gym and there would always be good competition because they are getting ready for their games. Practice was fun.  The guys are a bit older than me, but skilled.  The game is more physical in general here.  The first time someone sets a pick on you, you know it.  You might think that the guy doesn't like you.  But that's just how they play.  More e...

I don't talk enough about my dog Jasper.  I joke about wishing he would just run away or something, but I really love him.  Jasper is amazing.  He's smart, he doesn't shed and he's great with kids.  Yes, even bad ass kids whose mother acts like she doesn't see said bad ass kid pulling at his ears and tail.  I swear I almost did a secret pinch on that kid if he would have kept accosting Jasper.  I digress... Jasper is a little too smart.  Sometimes it gets to a level of manipulation.  That's not good.  But I guess you take the good with the bad.  He doesn't scratch or chew and he's good about holding his bowels.  As a matter of fact, it only took us a week or so to get him fully housebroken.  It was amazing.  I just had to spend a few weeks coming home for lunch so that he could empty his little bladder.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  His little furry body.  Him whimpering because he had...

Time flies, doesn't it?  Bash has been out of Swedie's belly already for six months.  SIX MONTHS! I've been trying not to be the insane social media parent.  So far we have zero albums on Facebook dedicated to him.  That's an accomplishment.  Then again I haven't made a Facebook album in forever.  But still.  I think I've done alright.  I doubt anyone sees Bash and goes:        - Here we go again with this kid! Like admittedly, I do sometimes.  If you feel guilty, then you probably are.  But I'm not judging those parents that think we care about the 18 pictures you took of your child finding her belly button.  I actually understand now.  Before being a parent, I thought it was insane.  Now I know... it IS  insane.  We all are insane for our kids.  I just happen to be more willing to hide my insanity.  I think my kid is cuter than any other kid (Except for that one stupid...