Getting Old: Hair Edition

I recently had my 31st birthday.  I'm officially into my 30s.  I'm not one of those people scared that I'm getting too old or anything like that.  I've embraced my age.  I'm proud of the years I've lived and the things I've learned.  However, I am attentive;  and one thing about me that has been a nagging reminder that I'm getting older each day is my body hair situation.  It's not just on the top of my head, either.  No.  That would be too simple for this body.  It's different areas that throw little hints at me that things are changing and I have to deal with it.

When I was in high school I had a huge afro.  It was my thing.  My mom used to braid my hair at night and I would undo it in the morning to give it that blowout effect.  I always got compliments on my big ass afro.  My hair used to grow straight out, too.  I got that from my momma.  What came later (pattern baldness), I presume I got from my dad.  He's been bald for as long as I can remember.  It's no big deal for me.  I have a good head shape, so I was not too bothered when I had to give in and shave it all off.  Plus I was in the military and I had been wearing my hair low due to the dress and appearance rules.  Mind you, my hairline started receding in my early twenties. One barber told me when I was 16 that I would be bald before long.  I didn't know he was right about that.  So it happened.  The thing I missed most was cutting my own hair, but that's not that big of a deal.  I like to think that it's only fair that I don't have a full head of hair.  I can't imagine how hard it would be for women to keep their hands off of ME with a full head of hair.  It all makes sense.  I digress.  So the balding thing was happening and I was cool with that.  However, my body decided that instead of hair growing on top of my head, it would produce NAPPY hair in my butt crack!  I didn't really realize this was the case until I started noticing that tissue would be destroyed any time I wiped after using the bathroom.  It would roll up and flake off like someone was rubbing on it with a scrub brush.  I now had a brillo pad in my butt crack.  Every now and then when I took a shower, I would feel the little pieces of toilet paper and underwear lint dislodge from the brillo pad and run down my leg with the shower water.  Like a little mouse.

What was happening to me?  A couple of years ago I was being silly (as always) and I happened to be naked.  I think I was dancing or something trying to make Sandra laugh.  It was working so I kept doing it and at some point I had my back to her.  I looked back to make sure my silliness was still entertaining and I noticed that Sandra had gone from laughing with me to a look of concern.  So I stopped and she said, "What's that?" She was pointing at my butt and squinting.  Now I'm concerned.  I ran to a mirror to investigate.  What do ya know?  A million tiny pieces of white toilet paper caught in the black brillo pad.  I felt like I was looking into outer space.  I had constellations in my booty!  This was getting bad.  I was going to have to start shaving back there for my own sanity.
    Then came the beard.  I like that I am able to grow a nice full beard.  Around every Christmas I used to grow my beard out because I was working so many hours and it was like our "Playoffs".   One day I was looking at my playoff beard and I saw it had a glimmer.  I tilted my head so the light didn't bounce off of it like that, but the glimmer didn't move.  Maybe it's water.  I wiped.  Nope.  I leaned in closer.  Man, that's a gray hair!  I was going to pluck it, but I was kind of proud of it.  I would talk about it at work and mention that my mom has a beautiful head full of gray hair and she's as gorgeous as can be.  Then that next Christmas the grays came out something serious.  This wasn't cute anymore.  They would curl up and make little circles in my beautiful, full beard.  They were throwing off the rhythm.  The least they could do is cooperate.  But then that wouldn't be right for this stubborn body hair of mine.

My technique for the hair on my head is to either use Nair or clippers.  Razors give me bumps, so I can't go the easy route (thanks again, body hair!).  This also means I have to cut/Nair every three to four days in order to not look 50.  Sometimes I am too lazy or busy to get my scalp upkeep in and my George Jefferson hairline is more defined for the world to see.  It was in one of these occasions just last year that I saw the gray patches coming in.  I had seen one or two grays before.  But now they were coming in strong.  It was officially official.  Jon Juan was getting old.  Thanks body hair.  I get the message.  But body hair didn't get the message that I got the message.  As if the beard and scalp weren't enough, my annoying body decided to sprout gray hair from my freaking stomach!  I don't grow much body hair as it is.  My leg hair isn't visible unless you get really close and I've never shaved them.  My arm hair is just as short.  I just recently started growing hair on my torso.  So how is it that in the midst of these shorter body hairs, five long strands of gray hair decide to pop out?  This just ain't right.  I must have been an assassin in my past life or something.  The logical next step is for gray pubes to pop up.  I'm as ready for that as I was for the early balding.  Those seem like facts of life that every man must deal with.  But rough butt and silver stomach is a cruel reality that awaits me every day.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  There's no telling what 40 has in store for me.  Only time will tell...


  1. This was a random find...You are just as colorful, overly-informative, and goofy as ever! Stay young at heart, Jonnie.


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